Just a few thoughts after a long weekend and a long night. some realizations I made were to help interpret and cope with my overwhelming sense of disappointment in the others around me. I find myself avoiding attachment with anyone because of constant disappointment. I haven't yet figured out a way to not let myself get disappointed but that's beyond the prototypical relationship common amongst teens whether through friendship or relationship. I like to compare it to magnets with relationships. No matter how perfect or identical we may look together there is always a force keeping a relationship apart. More specifically caring. It seems like the more a person cares, the less the other does. And even in friendships with the opposite sex one person will always care more. So its as if you are in an inner struggle t find what personality would suit you best rather than working with the person you really are. What am about? Am I good person or a greedy prick who takes what he likes? You take what you want because you get it without an immediate harm, but its all inevitable. I am at a constant inner battle to know what I am and who i represent. I become a person I hate. A person who hates themselves but is so numbed by this overwhelming sense of pride and egotism. You put up a front to avoid attachment while digging a deeper hole. I don't love my life all the time, and i may walk as if I am certain of myself, but i have no backing. I'm just waiting to fall harder and harder each time. Sure maybe this wont matter to me in a week but at this point I hate the others around me....and by that I mean myself..
All styles are good, except the tiresome kind
-Voltaire
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