Grouplove

Breaking away from my dramatic score that has plagued my blog these past few posts, I find myself in a mood relatable only to a surrealist.  It takes a lot to bring me down, but I found myself drowning in self-pity. Hoping for an answer isn’t any kind of solution and finding that out is probably more than most can bear.  Hope was the last line of defense before breaking into a monogamous string of failed attempts at joy.   I take my thoughts with a grain of salt, knowing they belong to some other privileged disheartened degenerate.  I doubted my circumstances as if they’d dissolve like acid flavored breathe strips.  I’d thrive in an altered state of mind, and I’d break down the mental barriers that engrossed my blissful reality. Until I reached the core of this augmented reality; I ran a streak worthy of newly famed icon.  It wasn’t until I realized what had made me happy prior to my fall that woke me up.  And until that moment I hadn’t felt real.  It wasn’t till then, did I really smile.

We never live; we are always in the expectation of live.
Voltaire

On The Otherside

Just a few thoughts after a long weekend and a long night.  some realizations  I made were to help interpret and cope with my overwhelming sense of disappointment in the others around me.  I find myself avoiding attachment with anyone because of constant disappointment.  I haven't yet figured out a way to not let myself get disappointed  but that's beyond the prototypical relationship common amongst teens whether through friendship or relationship. I like to compare it to magnets with relationships.   No matter how perfect or identical we may look together there is always a force keeping a relationship apart.  More specifically caring.  It seems like the more a person cares, the less the other does. And even in friendships with the opposite sex one person will always care more.  So its as if you are in an inner struggle t find what personality would suit you best rather than working with the person you really are.  What am about? Am I good person or a greedy prick who takes what he likes?  You take what you want because you get it without an immediate harm, but its all inevitable.   I am at a constant inner battle to know what I am and who i represent.  I become a person I hate.  A person who hates themselves but is so numbed by this overwhelming sense of pride and egotism.  You put up a front to avoid attachment while digging a deeper hole.  I don't love my life all the time, and i may walk as if I am certain of myself, but i have no backing.  I'm just waiting to fall harder and harder each time. Sure maybe this wont matter to me in a week but at this point I hate the others around me....and by that I mean myself..

All styles are good, except the tiresome kind
-Voltaire

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

What is a problem? It is an issue with you as it relates to others.  The more you relate to others, the more problems you have. Don’t relate or resonate with others and you cease to have problems. But without problems you, have no solutions.  Without solutions….well you aren’t too smart then, are you?  But then again I was never any good at math.  What goes around really goes around.  Because no matter how difficult a situation may be, you are the reason it is happening.  Nobody really cares about your problems; they will always care more about the part that pertains to them.  The problem is you.  You look for your problems in the minds of others.  We crave sympathy as if it were fuel to a jet engine flying us further from our problems.  Look this is my blog. Just a couple thoughts that help me get through the day.  Each post will end with a quote from Voltaire. 

Everything's fine today, that is our illusion
Voltaire

Old posters and New kicks

What can be done with maybe? What can be answered? What is completed with that? If is a form of maybe that doesn't necessarily envelope that which is true. Maybe is lived by those who are and will be. If done with a slight form of truth it can be defined as good. but if this isn't true why say it is bad? Can't it just be that which cannot be defined? then what is maybe but a metaphore.

the world is found and lost in the amount of identity you give to yourself.

so why is it that i care. it's not as if it meant very much. by god i just let it all go and wasn't even worried about it. it wasn't so much the way i found out just the idea that i had to find out. i cant believe i will use this cliche line but you never know what you had until you've lost it. what have i done but created misery in not only mine but the other that no longer, In my opinion, cares what i think. it's strain that is. my time spent with this. it hurt at the being but soon enough it became apart of you. nothing like that could really take you out but why let it even come near it. i guess what I'm trying to say is don't care too much about the little details when in the grand scheme of these kinds of thing it is entirely pointless. now detail is made for perfection to occur but let not perfection occur then what detail is needed. so in this instance there is no need for detail because if perfection is what I'm looking for, it will never be fond. I'll find that puzzle piece that gets even a fraction close to fitting mine, but for now just enjoy the stuff that wont matter in ten years. so do i care if morals interfere absolutely not...

CONSORT!? CONSORT!?

What is a grade? A mark of learning that has no mental worth only for future learning. It may help you learn to how to learn what is needed in later years but really it is pointless. For in life what is the worth in knowing biology?Math? perfect grammar? MLA format? It's like teaching a dog to walk on two feet. the dog knows perfectly well that walking on four feet is so much faster and yet it will only perform for a treat. how is this true. if you really need me to spell it out it's called college. high school is an act to please colleges that will later please the job you want. i heard something interesting today.....your very smart but your a horrible student. If school was Solly based on brain power i wouldn't be a bad student and yet i am. why is that? it all goes back to the dog we perform for people who are only looking for effort. so this world is based on effort. its true in America because the not so blessed can become a leader. Isn't that a load of bullshit! i don't have money for USC and yet I'm a better student than their entire graduating class. So why then am i not getting the job and the moderate USC guy is? Ahhh but it's OK because i give effort so i can get it. Well the truth is there is not truth. the answer cannot be written and that's why life in America is a gamble. At least it is for the immigrants. so that is what America has created winners and failiers. But that's what everyone does in every country. Yet we give so many rights to little man. the low paid guy. why? someone must fail? Well the truth is America will lie but cover their ass to make it seem like they don't want you to fail. It's ok that they do this because it's important to create hope for everyone. That is why learning in high school is based purely on effort. to give the immigrant a shot. to give the idiot a shot. So I'm not a good student but I'm smart? so many people would say that it's the same thing and yet it has so many contrasts. My dad says I'm lazy. My dad got straight A's all his life. so the Fuck what! it hasn't made him more successful. Are you saying that because i know not how to work based on the standards of others that I'm not trying. The answer is no! My brain power isn't geared towards standards or to know the quadratic formula. it is true the world is based off standards, but what have they really brought to this world? life is all we have to offer. they breeding plantation of god hahahaha that sounds funny....The world feels safe because of these standards. able to prioritize, advance, feel equal.... So for this reason school is pointless to me. It is a race to see who can download the most information the fastest. Why conform? To feel like learning this stuff might actually help you? For as i said is it is a test. A test to see how you can perform. to go to a good college is all everyone wants. But information from this school to that school is the same. so why then a good college? Yet another test to see more progression so the people that will hire you later will help them decide who they want. so therefore the employment is no longer based on the information, it is based on where you get it from.

if anything can go wrong, it will

Who can really decide anything for anyone? is there something to be done? I really do believe people in this world feel pushed, pushed towards the needs of another. why must people come to school if they aren't pushed? what is this world but a bunch of volunteers? I can't believe people can trust those who don't want to in the first place. THE BOSS!!! it will take you to understand the meaning of the world. Why were we made? you know those movies, day the earth stood still<---> the day the earth stood still the origional. hahaha i thought there were more haha. anyways movies like that drive you believe that humans are the problem and how can we help the world survive? what do i have to say on the matter? ok well to be honest i really believe in god im not some crazy cristian but i believe in him:0 so if you are some stupid asshole who hates hearing about thing about him....i encourage you to keep reading and disregaurd this...if you want. ok so god has a plan. a plan for everyone! a plan for the stick you break and a plan for the peanut butter you bask your partner in. so he has a plan for the world... what if the way we can save the world is to destroy it? elaborate! the way to save it is to kill it is conclusive. the epic conclusion to this world is something incontarvertable. the ozone layer is being destroyed but couldn't you just say that god is the one destoying it? he his! hes destroying it so a new species can live and die on it. What is evolution but a plan of god? he made it so later humans would destroy themselves. why would he do that? because if everything lived forever there would be no suprises nothing to live for. everything would become mundane.no suprises no sacrafice no meaning! so that is my take on the world. think about it hate it. today just wasn't my day for bloging, but since i already wrote it i might as well post it!