Grouplove

Breaking away from my dramatic score that has plagued my blog these past few posts, I find myself in a mood relatable only to a surrealist.  It takes a lot to bring me down, but I found myself drowning in self-pity. Hoping for an answer isn’t any kind of solution and finding that out is probably more than most can bear.  Hope was the last line of defense before breaking into a monogamous string of failed attempts at joy.   I take my thoughts with a grain of salt, knowing they belong to some other privileged disheartened degenerate.  I doubted my circumstances as if they’d dissolve like acid flavored breathe strips.  I’d thrive in an altered state of mind, and I’d break down the mental barriers that engrossed my blissful reality. Until I reached the core of this augmented reality; I ran a streak worthy of newly famed icon.  It wasn’t until I realized what had made me happy prior to my fall that woke me up.  And until that moment I hadn’t felt real.  It wasn’t till then, did I really smile.

We never live; we are always in the expectation of live.
Voltaire

On The Otherside

Just a few thoughts after a long weekend and a long night.  some realizations  I made were to help interpret and cope with my overwhelming sense of disappointment in the others around me.  I find myself avoiding attachment with anyone because of constant disappointment.  I haven't yet figured out a way to not let myself get disappointed  but that's beyond the prototypical relationship common amongst teens whether through friendship or relationship. I like to compare it to magnets with relationships.   No matter how perfect or identical we may look together there is always a force keeping a relationship apart.  More specifically caring.  It seems like the more a person cares, the less the other does. And even in friendships with the opposite sex one person will always care more.  So its as if you are in an inner struggle t find what personality would suit you best rather than working with the person you really are.  What am about? Am I good person or a greedy prick who takes what he likes?  You take what you want because you get it without an immediate harm, but its all inevitable.   I am at a constant inner battle to know what I am and who i represent.  I become a person I hate.  A person who hates themselves but is so numbed by this overwhelming sense of pride and egotism.  You put up a front to avoid attachment while digging a deeper hole.  I don't love my life all the time, and i may walk as if I am certain of myself, but i have no backing.  I'm just waiting to fall harder and harder each time. Sure maybe this wont matter to me in a week but at this point I hate the others around me....and by that I mean myself..

All styles are good, except the tiresome kind
-Voltaire

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

What is a problem? It is an issue with you as it relates to others.  The more you relate to others, the more problems you have. Don’t relate or resonate with others and you cease to have problems. But without problems you, have no solutions.  Without solutions….well you aren’t too smart then, are you?  But then again I was never any good at math.  What goes around really goes around.  Because no matter how difficult a situation may be, you are the reason it is happening.  Nobody really cares about your problems; they will always care more about the part that pertains to them.  The problem is you.  You look for your problems in the minds of others.  We crave sympathy as if it were fuel to a jet engine flying us further from our problems.  Look this is my blog. Just a couple thoughts that help me get through the day.  Each post will end with a quote from Voltaire. 

Everything's fine today, that is our illusion
Voltaire

Old posters and New kicks

What can be done with maybe? What can be answered? What is completed with that? If is a form of maybe that doesn't necessarily envelope that which is true. Maybe is lived by those who are and will be. If done with a slight form of truth it can be defined as good. but if this isn't true why say it is bad? Can't it just be that which cannot be defined? then what is maybe but a metaphore.